Monday, December 05, 2005

If the liberals had there way at Christmas

By Kelly Bingham-

It appears that the Christmas spirit has run out for Jolly Old Saint Nick. Several groups and organizations are suing the Santa Clause, while others are calling for boycotts of North Pole products.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson, and other minority leaders, is calling for Santa to step down and resign his post due to racist comments made by Mr. Claus and his adherents. "This is just intolerable," Jackson stated in a press conference. "We cannot have a man in an authoritative position making such hateful remarks as, ‘I’m dreaming of a White Christmas’, or "May all your Christmases be White".

Equal rights advocates are calling for the boycott of goods made by North Pole Products, citing Santa’s blatant discriminatory practices. One activist remarked, "Santa is blatantly discriminatory and a segregationist. Sure, he delivers toys to good boys and girls, but have you noticed that he only delivers them to Christian boys and girls? By his act he is showing a pattern of discrimination against children of other faiths, such as Jewish, Muslim, and even atheist children."

A New Jersey man is suing Santa for an undisclosed sum of money. The plaintiff is accusing Santa of making him become unhealthily obese. "I used to be healthy and skinny," reported the plaintiff in a written statement, "then I saw pictures of Santa. He was fat, but he was so jolly and happy all the time. I wanted to be happy and jolly too, so I started eating and eating and eating. I’m now 360lbs, I have health problems, and it’s all Santa’s fault! He should have warned me that it’s not good to be fat."

A Maryland woman is pressing for Santa to be arrested on Assault charges. "It was awful. He was kissing me underneath the mistletoe last night. I didn’t want to, he forced himself on me. One minute I’m offering him milk and cookies and the next… well … it was just awful. And to make it worse my young child saw Santa kissing me. Do you know how traumatic that was for my child?"

Santa has also angered animal rights activists. Members of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, are holding demonstrations in front of shopping centers and department stores where Santa is appearing to protest the inhumane use of reindeer. Pamela Anderson, celebrity spokeswoman for PETA lashed out saying, "Reindeer were not born to pull heavy sleds across the world. This sadistic use of cute harmless animals must stop now." Ms Anderson recommended Santa use a fuel powered sled, but this angered environmentalists who responded by saying added pollution by Santa’s sleigh would cause further atmospheric degradation, further deplete the ozone layer, and contribute to global warming. They suggest instead using a solar powered sled for his nighttime deliveries.

Finally, members of Amnesty International are investigating Mr. Claus for possible human rights violations. They are looking into reports that Santa’s workshop is actually a sweatshop being operated by an elf slave labor force. A representative of Amnesty International said that reports have been surfacing of elves laboring in extremely cold working conditions and earning small wages working very long hours. If such conditions are uncovered we then have to determine whether or not elves are human, and fall under the UN Human Rights act.

Santa could not be reached for comment.

No comments: